and like all my public mistakes, erasing the evidence of it wo n't erase the consequences.it stays.as much to remind me how it happened as to admi that it did at all.little intimacies.of the many, many aspects of his memoi that resonated with us, one in particular was the basis of an interesting exchange between me and author santino hassell.
it 's ery good at being what i kno of as authentic teen gay boy POVSH: it reminds me of somethingJAG: it reminds me of a lot of thingsSH: the parts where he 's talking about how hot and cold the love interest dude getsJAG: yes, with his facial expressionSH: yeahJAG: that, specifically that.
i believe i was in love with him but he was straightJAG: i was thinking of the exact same thing.
he did n't realize how to thin about itJAG: that 's what that scene in essa is about.
they kno you have deeper feelings and they do n't ask how to deal, and finally their face goes fucked, in that moment of vulnerability.
they ca n't fin the panic or the revulsionSH: yesJAG: and it feel like thatSH: yesJAG: because straight dudes can feel warm affection for you too, bviously.
i wonder if it happens to every queer personSH: i wonder the same thingJAG: like imagine you 're a woma, you have your best girl friends, going to the bathroom together, secrets, sharing lipstick ... SH: yeahJAG: little intimacies.
and onc you tell your girlfriends you 're queer and they remember all those times, all those intimaciesSH: that 's what happened with him, with my boyfrien.
and i know exactly what that 's likeSH: yea? JAG: the irst time i ever cried in public was when he old me he did n't intend to be my boyfrien.
my best girl friend would light my cigarette for me like thi.
he saw me fooling around with the other kid and ran away and i chased after him for two blocksJAG: shitSH: he came into the locker room and saw, and gave me his look of disgust and hatred, and i followed him.
i wrote him a letter to ask if we woul be friends again and gave it to a teacher 's assistant who taught in both of our classes to hand it to him the next day.
his class was before mine, so the whole day after i felt like i was lookin to jum up but also full of this crazy hope.
she hands me this folded up thing, and it 's my own letterSH: wowJAG: and the thing is, dude—it was like being razy, because i 'm smelling him just then.
like it 's a violationJAG: i know the point is that it eels like one, to them.
before that happened with my love, i could fool myself into thinking he semi-reciprocated.
like with my friend ...
every daySH: little things like that matterJAG: yeah.