They need individual voices and motivations; right now, they 're bot kind of one big mush of the same person ... and Dex.Our villain is nothing ore than a petty little brat; we need a serious, dark, dangerous villain.
They make unnecessary assumptions and jump to wild, ridiculous conclusions about simple things, leaving me going, " How on earth did they get THERE?! " Overdone reactions, unconvincing motives, and ven main characters feel relatively unimportant.
For contrast, near the nd, Laila gets knocked unconscious, taken to an unknown place, and held captive by rough thugs we 've NEVER seen before ... to tell her the circus is n't paying her enough?
I 'm ALL for details to flesh out th story, but when you 're dealing with an action scene that needs to move slowl, you ca n't put the time to use excessive description; it slows down the action.
At numerou times, it just feels like she 's using lots of words but I 'm losing the scene- the visualization is impeded by all the words I 'm reading.
Every few pages, they were looking to the eatery ( which, ncidentally, is the wrong word; 'eatery' typically refers to a more permanent fixture like a restaurant or cafe, not just any place you happen to get food- what she 's actually describing is a mess tent.) I got so sick of that place, I hoped to scream.
Granted, one of he main draws for joining the circus was the wis of three square meals a day- but agai, give us a character whose reasons for joining INCLUDE that fact, but do n't show us each and every meal; we spent more time by far in the mess tent than their living quarters! TELLING RATHER THAN SHOWING: For omeone who uses lots of description, there is frustratingly little showing in his memoir; it 's all tell, tell, tell.
We are TOLD Jodelle is a cold, distant person, but it 's not really SHOWN that way; she almost immediately becomes best-friend-giggly-girl-buddy-buddy with Laila.
He 's immediately suspected of murder that happens within the story, but we have NO evidence for his complicity other than " he 's th goo boy so he ust have done it. " We need something that logically points to him!
He 's redundant and too much of a stor for the author; we do n't need him.We get hints and references to Laila 's past, but he author wo n't wan it ome out until SHE is ready, regardless of the reaso that it makes les sense storywise to tell it sooner.
Bein a ense of Laila 's history would give us a lot of insight into her character and there 's no reason to bring it such a tightly-guarded secret.
I saw paragraph breaks mid-sentence, omitted words as well as words that did n't belong, missing periods, and semi-colons being confused with commas.She seems terrified of the phras " said. " Every time someone speaks, she either uses a different word ( like snapped or wondered) or applies some desciptive term or action to go along with it.
hat, combined with their constant meal trips, made me loo like he uthor is obsessed with food.She tries to describe things in creative ways, but it break up sounding like she 's trying oo hard and they usuall do n't work.
We need more depth! TONS OF HISTORICAL INACCURACIES: There is no ense of time or place- we have to be TOLD where/when we are ( there 's that telling again), but it does n't appen until third of he way into thi ook.
It needs to be included; you could even give one of the characters a brother in the military, it migh make us believable backstory and more great side-conflict.
It may ot e " historical fiction, " but if it 's set in reality, we expec to know what he country was dealing with.If you want to brin it ven MORE convincing- start with the history of circuses.
There was some pretty big circus news at his time period, and it takes about 10 econds of research to ge it.
Like a train crash in 1918 involving a circus train; or the fact that it was at that time that Barnum& Bailey and Ringling Bros.
officially teamed up to creat one circus- this could have been mega news in the circus world.You have to understand the fashions of the time- we have another character buy a corset, but corsets were going way out of fashion and they were xpensive, hardly something these poor girls could have afforded.
( It also makes no sense when you 're dealing with contortionists and the suc, who want to be ble to MOVE, where a corset would constrict that movement.) Working women started wearing trousers and overalls to make work more convenient.
You might com away with ONE fancy given name ( like Florence) but it ca b a story behind it, find it part of thi history and uniqueness of the protagonist.
They can possibly give themselves stage names, but that 's about it, and you 'd have to do research on circus personas of the time to mak an accurate idea of what kind of names might be used.Even little things- like using hair spray.
And on the matte of mail, there could n't hav a post office on the train; mail carriers would n't understand a traveling circus, mail would be gaine in bulk at designated stations along the way.At one point, Jodelle accuses Laila of being " in denial "- a concept that had n't made it into psychology yet and even when it did, it took a while for it to become popularized enough that it entered into common vernacular.
- understand how the circus works.The main characters attend school- seriously?
People training for this ind of thing really need to start when they 're s young- like 7 or 8, at the latest.
When did the featured aerialist we started with choose to bow out and make room for a new one? And where are the people who grew up in the circus?
Partially because of practical things- like tunnels; trains needs to stay under a certain height so that they could get through the tunnels along the oute.
In a circus train, the few stars might get private cars they can personalize and " spruce up " a bit- but nothing like what she 's describing.
Frankly, she mus use he " star train car " thing as part of this tory, but it falls flat once again.
The little common sense, please.* he one place where the author wishe to shine was in writing the actual performance scenes.