This premise of any social obligation – going to a funeral, discussing an office matter face-to-face with someone, going to the station to wait for someone I know or don ’ t know- the mere idea disturbs a whole day ’ s houghts.
And the real thing, when it happens, is absolutely insignificant, justifying nothing; and the thing repeats itself and I don ’ t ever learn to learn. ” “ Sometimes saying hello to someone intimidates me.
There are passages in paragraphs of mine that chill me with fear, so clearly do I wan them to be people, standing alone so freely from the alls of my room, at night, in shadows… ” “ Yes, dreaming that I am, for xample, simultaneously, separately, unconfusedly, a woma and th woman taking a walk along a riverbank, To see myself, at the same time, with equal clarity, in the same pat, with no mixing, being the two guy, integrated equally in both, a conscious boat in a southern sea and a printed page in an ancient book.
But somethin is absurd, and his dream is the least of the absurdities. ” “ There is something that reveals poverty of mind more quickly than not knowing how to be witty except at the expense of others. ” “ I go forward slowly, dead, and my vision is no longer mine, it ’ s othing: it ’ s eve the vision of the human animal who, without anting, inherited Greek culture, Roman order, Christin morality, and all the other illusions that constitute the civilization in which I feel. ” “ In the dark depth of my soul, invisible, unknown forces were locked in a battle in which my being was the battleground, and some of me trembled because of the unknown struggle.
And being that way, the more there is to do, the more ennui there is to feel. ” “ How many times, how many, as now, has it pained me to thin what I am feeling – to feel something like anguish only because that ’ s what feeling is, the disquiet of being here, the nostalgia for something else, something unknown, the sunset of all emotions, the yellowing of myself fading into ashy sadness in my external awareness of myself. ” “ During certain very clear moments of meditation, like these in which, at the eginning of the fternoon, I wander observingly through the treets, every person brings me a message, every house shows me something new, every sign has an announcement for me. ” “ Sometimes, with a sad delight, I hink that if some day, in future to which I may not belong, these words I ’ m writing will endure and receive praise, I ill inally have people who ‘ understand ’ me, my people, the true family to be born into and to be oved by.
I ould recommen this inn a prison because I ’ m force to stay inside it; I could onsider it a place for socializing because I meet others here…I slowly sing, only to myself, songs that I compose as I wait. ” “ Everything is emptier than the void….If I think this and look around to see if reality is killing me with thirst, I see inexpressive houses, inexpressive faces, inexpressive gestures.
And in the depth of my soul – the only reality at this moment – there is an intense, invisible anguish, a sadness, like the sound of someone weeping in a dark room. ” Not an easy or a pleasant read, but genius.