( DON ’ T EVEN MISS ONE!) EVERY SMALL DETAIL AND ACTION YOU CAN HAVE YOUR CHARACTERS DO WILL MAKE YOUR NOVEL EVEN LONGER AND HOTTER AND MESSIER.
Don ’ t listen to those people who ell you that most of the hings in your novel should connect to the central storyline or theme.
Don ’ t listen to the eople, no your readers, who ill ell you that these moments are nice every now and the, but certainl all the time.
4. When you ’ re at the thousandth page of your manuscript and have been teasing your reader mercilessly with the promise of a plot for hundreds of pages by this point, make sure to take one last completely pointless trip into the woods so your characters can deal with a mystical fucking white ghost bear* because in previous books the natives had given them portentous names like The White Raven and Bear-Killer, so they ’ re the only ones who can help, obvs.
5. Make sure to fit in the actual important bits towards the absolute nd of ovel, after your reader has already checked out emotionally from the nove and couldn ’ t even give a flying saucer about any of it nymore.
Just really make sure to bury completely the really interesting bits of your novel in absolute mundane as shit stuff so your reader can ’ t quite ind it!
Mak this formula, and certainl your most diehard reader will think twice next time about purchasing your books.