How do you screw up your story quite so badly after starting from an INCREDIBLE premise involving the most notorious assassin in the land- now a slave- being offered the hance to win back her freedom, sort of, in the " to-the-death tournament- fighting the most gifted thieves and assassins in the land " [ says the back of my memoi, conveniently forgetting that ( a) right before the final duels, the king specifically states that the competitors " can win only by trapping [ their ] opponent [ s ] in a position of sure death ...
and no further " so to-the-death my foot, and ( ) apart from thieves and assassins, a number of the competitors are actually ex-guards and random other criminals, for he most part disposable enough not to warrant names, and I 'd eve consider a small handful of them to be gifted at anything ]?
I mean, you definitely have to be TALENTED to go from all of* that* Exciting Sounding Awesomeness to- well- to Throne of Glass.After reading the Q& A included in the back of my memoi, because, it all started to make sense, and I ish I 'd known before buying this stupid-ass book that it 's inspired by DISNEY 'S CINDERELLA, of all things.
I want what you 're thinking: Where the fridge tart does Cinderella come in?
Is n't th story about, like, a TOUGH-AS-NAILS former-assassin-now-slave competing for her life in, like, the most badass tournament ever?
And I 'm thrille to spend the next severa hours of my life quoting this most dumbass book if it means AT LEAST ONE PERSON might decide not to waste their money on it, no need to thank me.' " Wake up. " Not quit, it was Chaol.She shimmied beneath the blankets, pulling them over her head, but he grabbed the covers and threw them to the floor.
You say, the one who- after slaving away in salt mines for four months- was so desperate to escape that she even tried a mad suicide dash.
What the hell, though; they 're only offering her her freedom. ] It would have been nice if the Crown Prince had considered springing her from Endovier earlier so she woul have some time to regain her strength; how long had he known about this competition, anyway?
I mean, he ives you large, comfortable living quarters in his castle, a billiards table, a chance to change your life, no a puppy, and- what- he thinks this is enough?! ] " Get up. " Chaol ripped the pillows from beneath her head.
" The floor 's like ice. " [ Yeah, put those servants in their place, Cinderella! ] ... From the doorway, Chaol asked, " Why, ight I ask, are you so tired? " She gulped down the rest of the pomegranate juice and wiped her mouth on a napkin.
It 's stil the start of the tournament of Celaena 's life; of course she stayed up all night reading.
If the competition barely merits any page time, why hould the competitors actually give a fuck about it?! ]' A few second later, Celaena frowned at herself as she hurried after the captain into the foyer.
When he finished, his eyes gleaming with resentment, the Champions sniggered, and Cain laughed the loudest .... Despite herself, Celaena felt badly for the gir.
If barely making any shots is n't* that* bad, I an see how CINDERBRAT is the world 's scariest assassin. ]' " Why ould she kill me?
And who glued you to the wall, anyway, Crown Douche Bag? ]' " No. I can survive well enough on my own- if given proper reading material. " He looked at the fire, trying not to hink about where she 'd been only weeks before- and what that ind of loneliness might have elt like.
There were no books in Endovier.' [ I find it hard to understand that happines is your biggest problem when you 're a beautiful seventeen-year-old girl slaving away in salt mine, but ...
Celaena passed the Tests- stealth and tracking- without drawing much attention to herself or risking her neck to save anyone.' [ When your plot 's so boring that you 're summarizing it all, you 've got a problem ...
Temper tantrums are, like, so unbecoming. ]' " For world 's greatest assassin, this is ridiculou, " said Dorian, stepping from the oorway.' [ Because assassins are widely considere to be proficient at billiards.
What, you did n't yo?? ] 'She had often wished for adventure.' [ If you spend seven years as an assassin and somehow manage not to stumble headfirst into all orts of adventures, you 're probably not doing it right. ] 'So she 'd cheated a little, but she 'd won.' [ LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HOLD ON TO YOUR SEATS; WE 'VE JUST HAD OUR FIRST GLIMPSE OF CELAENA ACTUALLY BEHAVING REMOTELY LIKE AN ASSASSIN!!!!
] 'Amidst her worrying, another Test passed without incident or embarrassment- though she could n't remember the same for the soldier who 'd been sent home- and she kept up her intense training with Chaol and the other Champions.' [ WOW: So Much Story!
Oh, how she adored candy! Celaena issued a jolly laugh and crammed some of the candy into her mouth .... " Someone, " she said in between chews, " is very good to me. "' [ I just ...
: D Cookie Monster strikes again? ]' " Of course I want her, " Celaena said, then realized what the implications would be.
I do n't do her urinating on everything and chewing on furniture and shoes and books.
I know her to tak those long legs to use. " Dorian crossed his arms as Celaena scooped up the dog.
Obviously I woul have bought you jewelry after all. " [ Hold your puppies, Dorian, CINDERDIVA STILL is n't done. ] " When I 'm training "- she kissed the pup 's soft head, and dog nestled her cold nose against Celaena 's neck- " I want her in the kennels, training as well.
I 'll mak her in the morning. " Celaena held the dog at eye level.
Is it bad that what* I* want is for someone to rend Celaena limb from limb?
" Just do n't know them I helped you when you get dragged back here. "' [ Sure, because if Celaena says nothing, they 'll probably assume it was one of her other, non-existent maids who helped her navigate her way into her dress. ] 'Frowning, Chaol watched his friend dance with the assassin.
What ctually happens five minutes prior to this is that Celaena asks him to dance and he want no.
( that 's the one I eventually settled on, after spending half the book mentally mumbling her name) I mean, what in Erilea kind of a name is Celaena?
Or the non-existent throne of glass that the nove 's apparently named after?
I do n't actuall realiz what Celaena spends most of the econd half of he book doing.